Long time no see, what've you been up to, how are the kids? Good? Brilliant andddd back to me. So we've reached that awful time of year where the trees are naked and we're anything but. Knits and tights have replaced my many beloved pairs of shorts and the Barbour's been dragged out of the wardrobe.
I don't know about you but winter does me no favours, I hate wearing pants, I hate wearing coats and as a girl who basically has an afro, I react the way to rain the same way the Wicked Witch of the West does....
But as we lucky little Brits are stuck in this predicament for the next few months, here are my tips for staying fabulous.
1) Don't be a fanny: Okay so maybe I could've phrased this better but seriously why is it that people are completely and utterly intolerant to any form of cold weather? Winter happens round about the same time every year, yet people still bitch/moan/cry about it when it pops its head up at the end of September. Yes it's cold, but it's not the Arctic. There is no need whatsoever to sacrifice looking lovely to stay warm. Warmth is overrated, just ask the eskimos. If it's cold put on a jacket and find a scarf, but please do not use winter as an excuse to cocoon yourself in a mixture of jeans and bubble coats for 5 months, it is not acceptable. (Bubble coats are never acceptable...)
2) Fake it till you make it: If you don't catch my drift on this, clearly you've never been to Liverpool. Winter means cold, it also generally means no sun, unless of course you live near a ski resort where it's about 20 miles thick with snow yet you still manage to burn, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?! For the many of you that don't live on a ski resort, you may think the lack of sun means sporting dull, pasty skin is acceptable, it isn't! I urge you all to invest some time and money into Orange Wednesdays, no not the 2 for 1 movie deal, but the routine of tanning on a Wednesday day night and carrying it on for the next few days (depending on your desired level of tannedness). This not only insures that you are nice and tanned for the weekend but it also means you won't go through the following week looking like you're doing a shit impression of Caspar. The only time it is ever acceptable to be sporting your natural skin tone *shudder* is on a Tuesday night/Wednesday morning depending on when you're planning on doing your tan as obviously, full preparation (exfoliate, shave, moisturise) must happen before all ventures into the world of St Moriz.
3) Be extravagant: Winter is after all the season, that holds some of the best holidays of the year. Halloween and Bonfire Night have been and gone and it's only been winter for like, a month! In 3 weeks we'll be rolling out the Advent Calendars and preparing for the most wonderful time of the year. Excited? You better be. If there was ever an excuse needed to be completely over the top at all times (FYI, their isn't. It's a state of mind and a basic human right) IT IS NOW. November is pretty much the bleurgh month, everyone's just waiting for Christmas really aren't they? So combat the shitty weather and your even shittier mood by simply being utterly fabulous. Sequins, leather, purple/red lipstick, beautiful coats and even better shoes, should be on your mind at all times, if not on your body. Overcompensate for the weight of your jacket by whipping your legs out. If you're covering up, make sure you throw on a ridiculous amount of jewellery to compensate for your sheer lack of effort regarding your wardrobe choice (I'm talking to you Mrs "jeans go with everything" aspffft). Stay interesting, otherwise come New Years Eve you'll be the one asleep by 12 on the couch whilst people are draping party popper streamers around your seemingly lifeless body...that's totally never happened to me, I swear...)
4) Hydrate: In the winter there are 2 main sources of hydration which you should all be doing on a regular basis. The first is moisturising. Not just your general nightly moisturise before bed, I'm talking about buying shares in the Body Shop body butters because you plan on using that much. If you do one thing this winter, please moisturise, please. I don't think I can cope with seeing girls looking like actual mutants in the early weeks of April, as they start to re-introduce their scaly limbs into daylight. As if anyone wants to see your flaky knees. Just don't do it, okay?
The second source of hydration is alcohol. Yes, alcohol. Winter is shit. At first, it's all cute and everyone loves wearing their jumpers, watching fireworks, walking through crunchy leaves blah blah blah. BUT after a
week while, the novelty wears off and it's just cold and miserable and depressing. So cheer yourself up with alcohol. If you've followed my first few steps then go out, grab your friends/boyf/monkey lover and have a ball in town. If you haven't however, go to Tesco, buy some Glen's and have a night in, followed by a quiet word with yourself promising that you'll step it up from now on. Winter is the best time for going out! You can spend all day getting ready because there's no urge to not waste a nice day, the lack of going out in the day time means you'll have more money to spend in the night time AKA more money to spend on alcohol and because everyone is so miserable at the very sight of the sky, they will all jump at the chance of going out and restoring fun back into their boring little lives.
So that's pretty much how I plan to survive Winter. How about you? Bought anything amazing that's going to be a saviour over the next few months? Let me know in the comments below!
P.S. Wellies are not an acceptable item of footwear unless you're at a festival/in a storm/fishing/being a farmer. Just because you own a pair of Hunter's, does not make it okay for you to wear them on a daily basis. Please stop it. Now.